The Bad Query Contest 2015 – My Entry!

I am thrilled to be taking part in The Bad Query contest run by the lovely Sharon Bayliss. With so many pitch contests out there, this is a bit of fun looking for the worst of the worst. To find out more, visit Sharon’s Blog here. Here’s a quick summary of the rules!

Bad Query Contest

1) Sign up on the linky on Sharon’s blog – which you can find here.
2) On 6/1/15, Post your TERRIBLE query and 35 word pitch on your blog (or however many words you feel like…no need to follow guidelines here). If you wish, also tweet your pitch with the #bestbadpitch tag.
3) Read the other entries and then vote for the worst on Sharon’s blog!

The winner will get a $25 Amazon gift card and the honor of sucking it up the most in 2015!

This contest is all about FUN! It’s not about being mean to anyone, including yourself! So that means no real queries or pitches and no basing your query or pitch on a real book or author. You must write a query and pitch from scratch using all your backwards creative juices to make it a real stinker.

And now for my terrible query!

 

Dear publishing people that are my favorite to such an extent that I won’t be querying anyone else!

My name is E.L. Wicker and I am the writer of a book that I haven’t titled yet, but it’s sure to be the next amazing book that gets turned into a blockbuster movie. I do have a few requests if that were to happen, like only fresh bottled water in my dressing room because I will surely star in it, but we can talk more about that later. Below is a synopsis and I think you’ll agree that it’s the best synopsis ever written.

When Ellery (she’s a girl) moves in to a swanky apartment block in the evening in Chicago where all the lights are twinkling in the sky, she expects to find that she lives alone, not that she’ll be sharing the apartment with a sexy man called Julio. With nowhere else to go she has to just suck it up. She’s very far, far away from her home in England and she’s just moved to Chicago to get away from her controlling parents who live in a posh house in Surrey, which is in the South of England only a train ride from London.

Player, Julio, plays women. He plays them all the time. When Ellery shows up he wants to have a go at her too but decides not to because they live together and that would be really awkward.

Ellery eventually gets a job, which she doesn’t like, but does it anyway because if she didn’t she wouldn’t be able to pay the rent if she didn’t work there.

Julio knows Ellery isn’t happy so sets about trying to get her a job in his firm which does some accounting for some big firm so makes decent money but not loads.

Will Julio get Ellery a job? Or will he not even though he owns the company? Or will he end up falling so truly, madly, deeply in love with her so that he prefers to have her chained to the kitchen sink making dinner for when he gets home? Will Ellery ever find a job she likes again. Or will she find love in Julio’s arms or just find him really annoying? Request my book to find out.

This book that I haven’t named yet is a cross between the music video for Hero by Enrique Iglasis pre mole removal, and Bridgette Jones diary, but I feel I have to say it is neither a music video or a diary book, although we could try to flog it as a memoir because it’s based on a friend of a friends niece’s best friends sister and I’m sure she wouldn’t mind.

In case you need it, which I’m sure you don’t, below is my pitch.

Pitch: Ellery moves to Chicago. Julio tries to get her a job. They both like grapes. They fall in love.

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll be hearing from you soon. You can contact me on this email address and I’ll respond promptly. Oh, I feel I should add that I’ve only written 10k words so far but it’s going to be so good and I can write it so fast that it really doesn’t matter.

Cheers
E.L. Wicker

20 thoughts on “The Bad Query Contest 2015 – My Entry!

  1. *slow clap*

    My God. WHAT WILL HAPPEN??! I NEED TO KNOW.

    • E.L.Wicker

      There’s an earthquake and a tornado and a plane crash so they all die. Terrible really, but I wanted to right the best stroy eva.

  2. How could it fail? They both like grapes.

    • E.L.Wicker

      Right?! It’s destiny I tell you!

  3. That was fabulous! I am laughing so hard! You’re good. Thanks for telling me that the mc’s a girl. And bottled water… *snort*

    • E.L.Wicker

      LOL! Thank you!! It was a lot of fun to write!

  4. And you have just managed to elicit multiple — and I do mean MULTIPLE — guffaws from me this time — oops; I mean GUFFAWs!!!!
    Bravo!

    • E.L.Wicker

      Thank you, Jake! It was so much fun to write 🙂

  5. That is an excellent horrible query…

    • E.L.Wicker

      Thank you – it was a lot of fun writing it!

      • I’m sure when I was first out of college I wrote horrible queries like that to agents. However, I thought they were great queries at the time. Ugh!

        • E.L.Wicker

          It really does happen! lol

          • I know I did. Those were ugly days. 🙂

          • E.L.Wicker

            But those ugly days make for great conversation later in life! We live and learn 😀

  6. Pitch: Ellery moves to Chicago. Julio tries to get her a job. They both like grapes. They fall in love.

    This is hilarious! The whole thing is just so freaking funny! Great job, Em!

    • E.L.Wicker

      Thank you!! I had a right chuckle writing it 🙂

  7. I love the paragraph of pure questions. Ah, I can’t wait to learn the answers. Their problems are so PERFECTLY not interesting. lol

    • E.L.Wicker

      Thank you. It’s been so much fun taking part. I will definitely be taking part every year now. Reading the others has been so amusing. A great idea. I love it!

  8. The grapes sold it to me.

    • E.L.Wicker

      Lol – sounds SO interesting, right? Thank you 🙂

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