I write…a lot. It’s something that started out as a hobby and quickly progressed into an obsession. There’s so much going on in my head, so many bottled up emotions, thoughts and sometimes anger, that I have to get it out. I need to. If I didn’t, I’d combust. I don’t talk about my feelings, or what’s going on in my life with others. It’s really not that interesting. Instead, I write.
I turn music on to bring this or that hidden emotion to the surface. There’s sadness, pain, fear, regret, and a broken heart, all of which I can call upon when needed. We’ve all felt these emotions in our lifetime, and their echoes still lie within us. There are things that some people would rather forget, but I think as a writer, part of the craft is being able to find these feelings and say – “hey, you, I need you right now.”
I believe my head is a dark place, somewhere I don’t wish to fix, because everything in there is mine and doesn’t need fixing. I will allow no one to mess with my thought process. My brain is my treasure, the place from which I can pull fragments of my pain and my past and express them on paper. So what if this makes me withdrawn? I believe that, actually, I am a very vibrant person once I feel comfortable with people. There are walls, many, many walls, but who doesn’t have them? Plus, I think I’m very approachable. Anyone can hit me up with a problem or a request and I will do my best to accommodate.
I tried to think back to the moment when writing became an outlet, and I think I pinned it down. I started writing lyrics when I lived in a group home. And then I taught myself to play the guitar, because I have a beautiful brain that loves to learn. So I put music to my lyrics, and that felt pretty cool. Then I stalled for many years. Life happened. Good times, bad times, happy times, sad times < that is so NOT poetic, but there you go. Then a couple of years ago I started again. Obsessively. I poured every spare moment of my life into Ilia, Nathaniel, Lucas, Kyle, Max, Kate, and Lana. I withdrew further from my friends, and yeah, I think I’ve burned bridges. But I. Can’t. Stop. I have a pressing need to continue. To let pieces of it out. Parts of Ilia are parts of me. Parts of Kyle are parts of me. Ilia represents my lost side, while Kyle represents my snark, my impulsiveness, and my small flashes of evil. Hey – we all have them! I believe that’s why I found those two characters both the easiest and the hardest to write. Nathaniel was also a pain in the butt to write, because it was so very hard to connect with him, but we worked it out in the end. He’s so lovely, and so sweet, and building his personality beyond that was a hell of a learning curve because he is by far the most fictitious character.
Another way I express myself through art is Photoshop. I have many, many creations that are mine alone, none of which I’ll share. It’s become my go to when I can’t find the words or something is hurting. I’m so bloody frustrated with it right now though, because I have a picture I’ve been working on that I can’t seem to perfect. I’ll add it to the bottom of this post, and pop it as the featured image. You’ll probably be able to see the issues I’m having with it if you are a Photoshop user yourself.
So my writing is suffering, Photoshop isn’t helping, so where do I go? Freaking Xbox. Seriously. It’s the one thing that can make my brain focus on something other than the frustration of not being able to find words, and I have some funny, funny friends on there. It’s been a great distraction, but I feel the time is drawing closer to unearth the hidden stories and start writing again. I feel emotions bubbling up, and I think it’ll take no more than a song or two to let them flow from my brain, through to my fingers, and onto the page. It’s time to find expression through art again, yay!
And here’s the picture that’s driving me nuts.