There are some things I do well (The Vulcan salute), some things I excel at (forgetting to tell my husband important things) some things I’m just okay at (Staying vertical for any length of time) and a lot of things I completely suck at.
Imagine the scene: You’re standing in the school playground, you’re hairs a mess, no make up on, odd socks and whatever shoes were closest to the door, whether they match or not (that’s a fib, I wear matching shoes, honest). There are hundreds of little children running around, the little girls have amazing hairstyles, some have cute bows in their hair but your children’s hair is wily and refuses to be tamed, and that bow you fixed to their hair earlier that morning? Well, that’s tossed on a surface somewhere at home because you didn’t do it right.
All of the above, in case you haven’t guessed, that’s me. Look, life is too short to match socks, okay?! And my hair is wavy so can totally get away without a brush first thing in the morning – it’s the wind that messes it up. And my children’s hair – both have them have crazy curls around their foreheads that cannot be controlled. Also, I am not a morning person.
A domestic goddess I am not in fact, I’m the FURTHEST thing from a domestic goddess, honestly, how my husband puts up with me, I don’t know. My daughters keep showing me hairstyle’s on the internet, asking if I can do that to their hair and I try, I really do, but inevitably, by the time I’m finished, they look like this: (Please note, that is not my child)
I am SO jealous of the polished mother’s that style ‘Amelia’ or ‘Oscar’s’ crop of sunshiny glory until not a hair stands out of place. And how do these mother’s get their faces to look like that? Do they get up at 4am to buff, polish and paint their nails and faces until they exude perfection?
Luckily, you don’t need any formal qualifications to clean the house, so I’m pretty badass at pushing a vacuum around and can even extend that badassery to polishing, washing clothes, drying clothes(<< that one took a while and many, many shrinkages) and I can nail making the beds.
One thing I am particularly bad at is cooking. Unless you like things overdone, then I excel. I can make a few things, beef stew, roast chicken beef and pork, and steak, and a few other minor things. I do bake a mean jacket potato and I can make a pretty decent salad (just let that slide, okay?)
The other morning I woke up and for some unknown reason, I fancied a spaghetti bolognese. By the evening, I stood in the kitchen surrounded by the ingredients and got to work. Needless to say, I didn’t make the sauce from scratch, I bought it ready to go from the jar but I chopped fresh veg and squirted some tomato puree in, added some herbs, and, man alive, I felt like Gordon Ramsay. Until I ate it. It was okay, it wasn’t terrible. It looked worse than it tasted, that’s for sure. (It looked like I’d added slugs at some point through the cooking process) But that wasn’t hard because it didn’t really taste of much.
Hopefully, my children will be able to forgive me when they’re older for only being able to cook things from a box, tin or jar. I have some redeeming qualities, I make the BEST hot chocolate for them when they get home from school on a cold day. I know it’s the best because they told me so. Hopefully, the stew and the roasted meats scored me enough points.
To all those super organized mother’s and father’s out there, I salute you – how do you do it? Because I have no idea!!
Please come back Monday where I will be revealing the cover for my new book, Fractured Immortal! Thank you.